Friday, March 25, 2011

That Hurt

The tears started on April 30th/May 1st, the year before Bubba was born. Hubs and I had gotten pregnant (exactly when, I'm not sure) but that night I had severe cramps. I remember telling Hubs I had a belly ache but didn't tell him much more. We went to bed and I tossed and turned all night. Somewhere around 1am I started bleeding. I knew.
When I got up in the morning I broke the news to Hubs. He held me while I cried. He never asked "how do you know?" I just did.
That Sunday was to be the Mother's Day I told my Mom & Dan and my Dad & Mary that our little Madylin would be a big sister. I had even ordered pink shirts for her to wear saying "I have a secret, I'm going to be a Big Sister." They were adorable. When they arrived in the mail a few days later they cost me more tears. That hurt.
Instead I called my Mom and broke the news to her over the telephone. That hurt. She dropped what she was doing at work and came right over. She didn't talk much. Just held me while I cried some more. 
My Dad & Mary came by after work later that day. We broke the news to them, too. Dad asked if I had been too careless in packing and carrying boxes for our move. That hurt.
I had called my Doctor's office and the distant woman on the phone had obviously dealt with way too many of these situations. She was numb to the fact that I was heartbroken and upset. She asked questions as if reading off a script. Asking me "How do you know? Why didn't you go to the ER? Are you sure?" That hurt. I cried through every moment of the several phone calls I had to make to the office. I had to go for blood test after blood test to make sure the "count" was back down. Otherwise, I'd have to be seen.
When we moved into our new home less than a week later, I sat in the "Baby's Room" and cried and cried. And cried some more. That hurt.
When I went back to work, some people knew and some people didn't. I remember feeling broken and that people were looking at me differently. Like I wasn't a good Mom. That hurt.
I still cry at different times for my Baby, Our Lost Baby. I cry at the Doctor's Office when they hand me my detailed clipboard. I cry when I hear other Mom's stories. I cry on May 1st. I cry on my children's birthdays. I cry on my March of Dimes Walk. I think Friends and Family think I'm over it. That hurts.

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