Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Open Letter to My May 1, 2007 Self

I'm so sorry, Juli.

It is going to be hard. I won't lie, you will breakdown, a lot. Take it as slow as YOU need to and do what you need to grieve. It is a process. I have to tell you, you will tear up often when you really think about what happened. You will have so many different emotions you can’t keep them straight. Mad at yourself, mad at the world, whatever. You will want to DO something. Something to honor, remember, treasure, this little soul. Hubs will give you a bracelet on your birthday that you will wear for awhile, then on the third anniversary, all on your own, all on a whim, you’ll take a charm you’ve had for years and use to model your Dragonfly Tattoo. Just some “thing.” Something for closure like a funeral would be. I know that sounds weird but a lot of what you will think will sound weird.

You will go through having to tell friends & family and not tell others. Not only is the telling someone hard, but the not telling. Since you never told your staff that you were expecting this time, you won’t know exactly what to say when you return to work.  You won’t know it yet but your friends that do know never told any of your staff. They kept your privacy at your time of loss. But, when you come back and talk to them you will have a weird feeling like, oh, they somehow know. Over time you will mention it here or there in your own subtle, sometimes unintentional ways.

There's no right or wrong on any of this and there's no plan of how long to cry, how to be sad, how to tell people, or when to move on. Truthfully, you move on, but not away from it. You will hear all kinds of things from everyone. One very close friend will even tell you "well, at least you weren't that far along." Try not to kill him! He has no idea how much it will hurt you, but he's still my friend now and I don't blame him at all. No one ever knows what to say. Since we were in the process of moving at the time, Dad will even ask about whether you moving boxes and lifting had any affect on this. I swear, he’s just trying to give this loss a reason. Men need a reason for something. He doesn’t say it to intentionally hurt you, at least that’s what I believe now.

Let go of what you think others are thinking about it. If it happened to them, who knows how they would handle it or how they would act. They don’t need to judge, and you don’t need to worry about them judging. The only people that matter are your family (& sometimes you have to ignore what they think too).

You will question whether this just happened or not. You will even have a hard time saying the word “miscarriage.” You’ll find yourself saying “lost the pregnancy” instead, yeah, as if you misplaced it or something. And I know, it hurts when the doctor confirms it for you. Be prepared, you will love how he handles it. Not his staff, but him. His staff you will be very upset with. When you first call and explain what happened the nurse will be less than caring and very matter of fact: “how do you know it was a miscarriage, did you go to the hospital?” You will convince her that you know your body, you know what you felt and saw, and that you just know. You have a right to ask for someone else on the phone. You also will tattle on her to your Doctor and that is ok. They need to know, for all future patients, that even though they may deal with it often, you don’t! They need to show compassion. Hubs will want to crawl into a corner when you’re complaining to the Doc but he let’s you go on and on because somehow, that is part of your grieving process and what you need to do to feel better. Makes sense.

Everyone thinks they're saying what you want to hear and they want to "fix it." There is no fix, Juli. Time is a treatment, but not the fix. Bear with everyone. And give yourself a break, too. You can handle this anyway you want. Honestly! If you need to get mad, dammit, get mad!! If you need to cry, go somewhere and cry. Its all ok and its all no one else's business how you handle this or how long you handle this.

The next time, (& there will be! And he is a wonderful, amazing little boy!) you will have an added stress that you haven’t had before. It may be harder but it will also be happy & joyful at the same time. You may have to work a little harder for those joyful moments. But you have to have them or you’ll go crazy with worry.

Its up to you! You will be ok. You are ok! 

(((hugs)))  jul

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


April 11th the Pennsylvania based Band Absolution went on Tour with Taproot. They opened in Vegas at The Rio. I understand the show went off without a hitch and the guys even got their pictures taken on The Rio’s Red Carpet. 

The next day, the bands high tailed it to Phoenix and played to a house of 500. Awesome!
On Thursday, April 14th they played at the Galaxy Theatre in Santa Ana, CA and got this rave review

I’ve been following both bands on their Twitter (@noabsolution and @FollowTaproot) and FB pages since they left town. So far, I have seen pictures of the state signs, restaurants, and clubs they have visited. It looks as though they are somewhat behaving themselves and trying to have a good time, when they can. Between driving to the locale, setting up, warming up, playing, tearing down, selling merchandise, and driving to the next locale, I think the spare time is pretty minimal. Oh, and I forgot sleep. That, I’m thinking is minimal, too.

Absolution is about to release a new album and I got my copy early directly from the band. They had sent emails and FB messages about pre-ordering your copy before it hit stores. Many of their long time fans and friends took them up on that offer and were thrilled to be surprised with a copy of their older CD, too.

Although Absolution is not my typical music style I am happy to have branched out and I do love their songs. Ever since their first Delaware show last year I’ve been singing right along. One of my favorite songs is “What Makes Me Strong.” 

Take the time to check out the band on their website, Twitter, or their Facebook page. You will be pleasantly surprised, I promise.

Also, for more info and to follow the excitement and behind the scenes info about their tour, follow Absolution’s Lead Singer on Twitter, @markwojtkiewicz.

Tell him his Sister sent you. ;)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Here's the Story

Here's the story I got from my Dad when he called tonight (since 140 just isn't enough). And, yes, the phone call had THAT ring.

Gram was stung by a Hornet earlier in the week. She didn't realize until her foot swelled and turned black and blue. She went to the doctor and they determined Hornet sting and gave her some shots for the apparent allergic reaction or infection. The shots reacted with a medication she is already taking.
This morning, she wasn't feeling well but insisted on going to Church for Palm Sunday. About 20 minutes into Mass she passed out, slashed her leg on the fall, and they lost a pulse. She had to be given CPR in Church by a Nurse that was sitting nearby.
She was taken to the hospital where she received several shots to numb the area of the gash on her leg for stitches. They also gave her something for the reaction to the medication that reacted with her other medication. She had several tests throughout the day. She was released this evening and is at her home in Florida. Why? I don't know.
She has now talked on the phone to all three of her boys and says she is very tired. She is complaining that her chest hurts from the compressions, her gash hurts with the stitches, and she is too old for all of this. 
She told my Dad she is afraid she won't make it to 80 years old. He described her as depressed. 
This is not good. She is due to come home to Cape Cod on May 13th.

If you have a spare Prayer this evening, please cash it in for my Gram. Please. Thank you.

Bet'cha More

  • The smell of the Dishwasher running makes me nauseous. 
  • I recycle.
  • Clorox Wipes could have been invented by me. 
  • My first kiss was during Dirty Dancing at the theater.
  • I had three different couples as teachers.
  • I am annoyed by mountains out of molehills.
  • I tip well.
  • I am FB Friends with my first grade teacher.
  • I don't care for bridges.
  • Camel Crickets haunt me.
  • I give.
  • I almost never sleep through the night. 
  • My favorite candy is M&Ms.
  • I buy flowers in pairs. 
  • I have met some great friends via Twitter.
  • I've worked at three restaurants with my Husband.
  • At two of them we weren't married yet. 
  • I'm the dorky Mom at WalMart talking silly to her kiddos. 
  • I think I take good photos.
  • I'd like a better camera. 
  • I think about what I think about what others think about me.
  • I don't like smoking.
  • I get embarrassed for others.
  • I get my van washed too much.
  • I wish my brother lived closer.
  • I miss our last house and yard. 
  • But I do love this one.
  • NICU Baby pics make me cry.
  • Ants in my house make me feel dirty. 
  • I organize the organization. 
  • I love the beach.
  • My favorite store is the Christmas Tree Shop.
  • I like brand new Crayola Crayons.
  • Beef Jerky makes me ill.
  • I lift my feet driving over road kill.
  • I would rather wear sweatpants.
  • I can't stand SpongeBob.
  • I put chocolate on my chocolate. 
  • I expect too much.
  • I don't care for cooking. 
  • I'd rather bake.
  • When I was younger, I didn't want to have kids. 
  • I wish my boobs were smaller.
  • For that matter, my butt and belly too.
  • My kiddos are the smartest, cutest kiddos in the universe.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Smores Please

·         1 cup sugar
·         1 cup butter, softened
·         2 large eggs
·         2 teaspoon vanilla extract
·         1.5 cup crushed graham crackers (crumbs are not the same)
·         1.5 cup all-purpose flour
·         1/2 teaspoon salt
·         2 teaspoon baking powder
·         6 (1.55-ounce) Hershey chocolate bars
·         2 (7-ounce) jar of marshmallow fluff
Note: Generic Brands are perfect (except for the chocolate).

1.     Grease an 13x9-inch baking pan. Heat the oven to 350 degrees.
2.     In a large mixing bowl, cream the butter and sugar until fluffy. Beat in the egg and vanilla extract. Add the crushed graham crackers, flour, salt, and baking powder and beat until well mixed, stopping occasionally to scrape the sides of the bowl.
3.     Spoon half the dough into the pan and spread evenly with a rubber spatula. Break the chocolate into pieces and arrange over the dough. Spread a layer of marshmallow fluff over the chocolate with another rubber spatula (be patient, this takes practice). Spread remaining dough atop the marshmallow (again, patience; lucky for you, you’ll want to make them again for practice)
4.     Bake until golden brown, about 30 minutes. Let the bars cool before serving. Or, let cool five minutes and then eat with a fork.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Super Pluto

I’m breathing better again. Tuesday was Bubba’s 3 year old follow up on his Heart Murmur. Sissy has one too but hers was ruled benign around 18 months.

Bubba has a Mild Pulmonic Valve Stenosis. His Heart Murmur was originally heard during his trip back to the Hospital for Jaundice four days after birth. In fact, the poor yellow baby had to endure an hour and a half long echocardiogram from a woman apparently learning how to perform one on a baby. But I digress.

We’ve had this appointment scheduled since Bubba was 18 months. I knew it was coming. But it fades to the back of my mind until the time gets closer. It’s been bothering me more and more each day leading up to yesterday’s appointment. And with just reason. At the last appointment the Doctor alluded to surgery. He said it so casually that I almost didn’t hear him. But I made him repeat it. Yup, sure enough, that’s what I thought I heard: Surgery.

We arrived a few minutes early to be greeted by a nice Valet wanting to park the car for us in the pouring rain. Bubba was asleep in the car and as careful as I was unbuckling he woke anyway. I get those nervous “don’t wake the baby butterflies” in my belly every time. As if the world is holding its breath as I try to keep him sleeping.

As we entered the AI DuPont Hospital for Children (which I have always had wonderful experiences) I couldn’t help but feel guilty that I was carrying in a healthy child while so many weren’t so lucky.

Bubba got weighed and measured and even had his blood pressure taken, which I’m sure was through the roof considering he did not want the Nurse messing with him. We then returned to the waiting room for awhile. The receptionist came along to tell us the Doctor had been called to the OR and they were unsure how long he would be. They told us they would get back with us.

This is when I began to cry. I had dreaded this appointment for a few weeks and now they’re telling me we may have to reschedule. Oh no. Hubs was surprised at my tears but jumped right in with a comforting hand over my shoulder telling me not to worry and that I worry too much. Yeah, I know. But…

We waited a while longer and were told the Doctor was back but running behind and to be patient. We were. We played some games and watched some TV and Bubba didn’t even seem to mind; until we were called back to the room. He didn’t like the idea of having a gown on so Mommy put a gown on Pluto too. That occupied us for quite awhile, Super Pluto and all. Bubba got a kick out of that. Good thing Daddy thought enough to pack his backpack with a few things Bubba would like if he got bored.

He stayed 90% still for his “sticker test” of which the technician was very patient and sweet to him to make him feel comfortable. She did a great job at talking to him and distracting him with talk of his birthday party.

Then, the Doctor came in. I’m pretty confident in that Bubba does not care for the Doctor. He was a wreck with the stethoscope and did not like to be touched AT ALL by the doctor. Poor kiddo. But, the Doctor said nothing sounds different. No changes in the Murmur and since no symptoms reported by us, all is good. For now.

We have to follow up again in 2years. Let’s not worry again until then, ok?

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

My Nail Polish is Purple

Really? This makes the Today Show? Seriously!? This is such a complete waste of media attention.

In the news the same day is the tragic end of what seems to be a domestic dispute by what could be (my opinion) a Post Partum Depressed Mom.  She drove her van into the Hudson River with 3 of her 4 children trapped inside. She apparently let the oldest exit the van before hand. The youngest was 11mos old (hence my PPD opinion).

But we’re discussing Pink Nail Polish on a boy in a J. Crew Ad. A boy that appears to be hanging out with his Mom, both with Smiles on their lit up faces, having fun at Mom’s work photo shoot!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Bet'cha Didn't Know


  • I was born on Friday the 13th.
  • My favorite color is purple. 
  • I have one brother.
  • I was born and raised in Dover. 
  • I love fall leaves.
  • Both of my parents remarried in my adult years.
  • I have one step-sister and two step-brothers. 
  • I went to school for Elementary Ed. 
  • I didn't finish. :(
  • I miss my Dalmatian, Chaz.
  • I take things to heart too much.
  • I like reconnecting with people on FB.
  • I have been at my job 12 years.
  • I worry.
  • A lot.
  • Little things matter to me.
  • I love spring buds.
  • I would love to stay at home with my kiddos. 
  • My favorite game to play is Uno.
  • I like to do puzzles with Bubba.
  • I do not have days off with my Husband. 
  • I wish I did.
  • I am a sucker for Friendly's. 
  • I miss my favorite job ever. 
  • I love to coach basketball.
  • I am extremely proud of my children! 
  • I love snow.
  • I hate a full sink of dishes. 
  • I don't talk to my Mom enough. 
  • My favorite food is Pasta.
  • I was once fired for the F word. :-0
  • I was a huge NKOTB Fan.
  • I still love their music.
  • I have missed many callings.
  • I don't like whining. 
  • I have never smoked.
  • My kiddos birthdays are my favorite Holidays.
  • Next is Christmas.
  • I love dogs.
  • I am allergic to cats, bunnies, gerbils, hamsters, etc.
  • My favorite breakfast is M&M Pancakes.
  • I have many kids movies memorized. 
  • My favorite cartoon movie (right now) is Despicable Me. 
  • Torn and tattered flags are one of my pet peeves. 
  • Another is loud television.
  • If I could live anywhere, my first choice is Cape Cod.
  • My second choice is Missouri. 
  • I am jealous of Madi's hair. 
  • 80s Madonna and Michael rock! 
  • I despise laziness.
  • My first car accident was on day 16 of my license. 
  • My second was the same day.
  • I love toddler talk. 
  • I don't litter.
  • I miss my childhood best friend. 
  • Hell, I miss my childhood.
  • I don't think I am always good at my job.
  • I don't watch too much TV.
  • In high school, I was a stupid teenager. 
  • I am too obsessed with the cleanliness of the house.
  • I need my sleep. 
  • I get embarrassed easily. 
  • I have always loved the name Madylin. 
  • I don't think people are recognized enough. 
  • My lucky number is 13. 
  • I am somewhat superstitious. 
  • I love excellent Customer Service.
  • I hate bad service more.
  • I value friendship.
  • I miss my MIL.
  • I have been to almost 40 states.
  • I am grateful for more time with my Gram.
  • I love summer.
  • Being Mommy is my proudest accomplishment. EVER.