Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Open Letter to My May 1, 2007 Self

I'm so sorry, Juli.

It is going to be hard. I won't lie, you will breakdown, a lot. Take it as slow as YOU need to and do what you need to grieve. It is a process. I have to tell you, you will tear up often when you really think about what happened. You will have so many different emotions you can’t keep them straight. Mad at yourself, mad at the world, whatever. You will want to DO something. Something to honor, remember, treasure, this little soul. Hubs will give you a bracelet on your birthday that you will wear for awhile, then on the third anniversary, all on your own, all on a whim, you’ll take a charm you’ve had for years and use to model your Dragonfly Tattoo. Just some “thing.” Something for closure like a funeral would be. I know that sounds weird but a lot of what you will think will sound weird.

You will go through having to tell friends & family and not tell others. Not only is the telling someone hard, but the not telling. Since you never told your staff that you were expecting this time, you won’t know exactly what to say when you return to work.  You won’t know it yet but your friends that do know never told any of your staff. They kept your privacy at your time of loss. But, when you come back and talk to them you will have a weird feeling like, oh, they somehow know. Over time you will mention it here or there in your own subtle, sometimes unintentional ways.

There's no right or wrong on any of this and there's no plan of how long to cry, how to be sad, how to tell people, or when to move on. Truthfully, you move on, but not away from it. You will hear all kinds of things from everyone. One very close friend will even tell you "well, at least you weren't that far along." Try not to kill him! He has no idea how much it will hurt you, but he's still my friend now and I don't blame him at all. No one ever knows what to say. Since we were in the process of moving at the time, Dad will even ask about whether you moving boxes and lifting had any affect on this. I swear, he’s just trying to give this loss a reason. Men need a reason for something. He doesn’t say it to intentionally hurt you, at least that’s what I believe now.

Let go of what you think others are thinking about it. If it happened to them, who knows how they would handle it or how they would act. They don’t need to judge, and you don’t need to worry about them judging. The only people that matter are your family (& sometimes you have to ignore what they think too).

You will question whether this just happened or not. You will even have a hard time saying the word “miscarriage.” You’ll find yourself saying “lost the pregnancy” instead, yeah, as if you misplaced it or something. And I know, it hurts when the doctor confirms it for you. Be prepared, you will love how he handles it. Not his staff, but him. His staff you will be very upset with. When you first call and explain what happened the nurse will be less than caring and very matter of fact: “how do you know it was a miscarriage, did you go to the hospital?” You will convince her that you know your body, you know what you felt and saw, and that you just know. You have a right to ask for someone else on the phone. You also will tattle on her to your Doctor and that is ok. They need to know, for all future patients, that even though they may deal with it often, you don’t! They need to show compassion. Hubs will want to crawl into a corner when you’re complaining to the Doc but he let’s you go on and on because somehow, that is part of your grieving process and what you need to do to feel better. Makes sense.

Everyone thinks they're saying what you want to hear and they want to "fix it." There is no fix, Juli. Time is a treatment, but not the fix. Bear with everyone. And give yourself a break, too. You can handle this anyway you want. Honestly! If you need to get mad, dammit, get mad!! If you need to cry, go somewhere and cry. Its all ok and its all no one else's business how you handle this or how long you handle this.

The next time, (& there will be! And he is a wonderful, amazing little boy!) you will have an added stress that you haven’t had before. It may be harder but it will also be happy & joyful at the same time. You may have to work a little harder for those joyful moments. But you have to have them or you’ll go crazy with worry.

Its up to you! You will be ok. You are ok! 

(((hugs)))  jul


  1. Oh my Juli, I'm so sorry. How tough this must have been for you. But you seem to be one "tough cookie". Remember, God will never throw anything at us that we can not get through, or so they tell me. Bless you and your family for all you've been through. You truly are a "special" person. ~hugs~